Develop Charity and You Will Find More Joy In Your Marriage

In the scriptures there are many attributes that are used to describe Christ and his character. One of the attributes I wanted to focus on that is essential in any marriage is Charity. In Moroni 7:47 it states, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, shall be well with him.” Other scripture verses describe charity to be the highest, strongest and most joyful love there is. Marvin J. Ashton defined charity as, “accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; [and] having patience with someone who let us down.” Charity should not be optional but something we constantly strive to obtain, especially with our spouses. I doubt that anyone wouldn’t want more acceptance, patience and love in their life.

When I think of charity, the word giving comes to mind. However, it more than simply giving but giving of oneself to bless others. My husband works a lot and is also doing full time school. He has every excuse to come home tired and exhausted. However, there has never been a day that he has not come home happy to see me no matter what happened at work or how long his day was. My husband constantly tries to serve me whether it is making dinner, taking me on a surprise date or anything else to make my day easier, which is a blessing to me. In no way am I a perfect example of charity but I hope to become more charitable. One way I try to be more charitable in my marriage is through baking. I love baking and try to make my husbands favorite desserts often, so they are waiting for him when he gets home from work. It is those little acts of service that make a happier marriage.

It can be overwhelming thinking about all the qualities we lack to be the best partner in our marriage. No union is perfect and that is completely alright. I love what Goddard said from his book called Drawing Heaven into your marriage, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth and abundant homework.” We will constantly be learning and growing in marriage. My hope is that we notice the joy and growth in our journey. May we also try to continually develop a charitable attitude and attribute it into our marriages.

I love this picture because my husband is doing a simple act of helping carry my wedding dress so that I could walk easier. There were a lot of layers of dress but I appreciate him always noticing little was to help me. 

Love Your Spouse Even With all Their Imperfections

Goddard shared from his book called Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs.” It is inevitable that conflicts and arguments are going to occur in our marriages, however, the important concept is how to manage it. Thinking about my own marriage I wish that there were many times that I could have handled situations a little differently. For example, I like the kitchen to be clean and feel overwhelmed when there are what seems like an endless amount of dishes in the sink. Because this bothers me more than my husband, I make time in my busy schedule to get the dishes done for my own sake. Sometimes this is overwhelming because I feel I am always doing the dishes. When I approach my husband about the situation it is not always in a loving way. John M. Gottman said in his book called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or [does the dishes], you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather then criticized or demeaned.” Gottman goes on to say that the extra time we take to approach a situation that is bothering us about our spouse is worth it. I should not talk to my husband in a mean tone questioning why he never finds time to do the dishes but does for other leisure actives. Instead, I should make sure that he knows how much I appreciate him and then express my concern in a more respected and kinder manner.

Another way to manage and handle conflict then simply appreciating our spouse is to also forgive them. It can be hard at times to swallow up our own pride and to forgive another, but it is worth it. James E. Faust shared from a study, that people who are taught to forgive ultimately become, “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed.” Who wouldn’t want less stress, anger, and depression in their marriage? It is crucial to forgive our partner and by doing that you and your partner with benefit. Even though conflicts and trials will arise we should be able to find happiness in our marriages. During the week me and my husband are very busy with work and school, however, we have made it a priority to go on a date night every weekend. We have also recently started to take anywhere from 10-30 mins every day to talk or do an activity together before we get caught up in homework or whatever we have going on that night. The time that we commit to each other has helped us strengthened our marriage more and more. Lynn G. Robbins said, “A happy and successful marriage depends on two good forgivers.” May we all try harder to appreciate our spouses by speaking kinder to them, making it easy to forgive, and by making more quality time for them.

This is a picture of me and my husband on Easter. I honestly can say that I love him  more every day and always try to be the best wife and can be.

Stay Away From Pride

I enjoyed studying and learning more about an attribute that I do not believe anyone would want in their marriage, pride. Ezra Taft Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves…selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.” I do think that anyone loves to admit their faults, however, we are all quick to judge others imperfections at times. I know there have been many occasions that I have been prideful in my own marriage and with God. A quality of being prideful is to not receive counsel or correction easily. An example of this that I have noticed throughout my college experience is in my art classes. I am usually very good at a variety of different art forms, so I decided to take an oil painting class. I have only painted a few times in my life, mostly in kindergarten and it was finger painting. Being in my oil painting class, everything was very foreign to me and I quickly noticed how much better everyone else was. It was hard to accept the critiques, corrections, and counsel from my teacher because I had become prideful. I did not want to accept defeat knowing I could not get better as a painter alone. I needed my teacher to get better just as we need our Savior to teach us and save us, we can not do it alone.

Going back to pride in our marriages, both partners need to be aware of this horrible trait that Satan wants us to have. In marriage, it is inevitable that that arguments are going to happen. However, it is up to us whether we make those talks learning experiences that benefit or diminish our marriages. Marleen S. Williams said, “Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repentance.” Honestly, when I read this quote I felt called out as if Williams was talking specifically to me. I feel I can be quick to irritation with my partner often and it is defiantly something I will continue to work on. Williams continues to say that irritation comes from a lack of faith and humility. I am constantly trying to become more humble in my marriage by serving my spouse in little ways whether I am doing the dishes, planning a date, or making his favorite desserts. Small acts do make a significant difference in a marriage. Every good thing we do will weigh out the bad and there will be less room for pride to intervene. John M. Gottman said, “Love is not a happy accident, it is a choice.” We need to choose everyday to love our spouses by not becoming prideful but humble. When we become more like Christ, we will be more blessed and happier in our marriage.

Take Advantage of The Small Moments

Being emotionally connected with our spouse is extremely important. I enjoyed reading in chapter 6 of John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, when he explained many examples of how we can turn towards our partner and not away from them. He describes how we have “bids” in our relationship for attention, affection, etc. Some examples of this can be asking for help with something such as groceries, laundry, etc. How we respond to these “bids” determine if we are growing closer to our partner or away from them. An example of this in my own marriage happened not too long ago. I remember being extremely overwhelmed with getting all my homework done before I was leaving on vacation for a week. I briefly mentioned how our apartment looked messy and how it was another thing I needed to do before I left. My husband could have easily ignored what I had said and continued doing whatever he was doing. However, he immediately started cleaning up and told me to continue working on as much homework as I could get done. Later that night he noticed how exhausted I was from packing, doing homework, and other various things so he told me to take a break so that we could go get ice cream. My husband is very good at responding positively to the bids that I present. Because of this I have also learned how to be more grateful for those small moments that happen in our marriage.

In Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 it says "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." Little do we realize at the time, but the little things do matter. Helping your spouse with the chores, giving a compliment, doing something they enjoy, and saying I love you are all small tasks that if done often will create a successful, healthy and happy marriage. Gottman said, “There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future.” If we have a good connection with our spouse and trust them, it will help when we are faced with difficult stresses or conflicts that may arise. There are many instances such as our car breaking down on the way to our wedding, not being able to pay certain bills on time, or even unexpected sicknesses that have occurred. If me and my husband had not continually tried to develop good communication, trust, and love in our marriage then those situations would have been a lot more difficult to handle. Our partners are important and the way we react to them is as well. We need to continually be strengthening our marriages because it is essential. Make the small moments count and always make sure your partner knows you love in them in the good times and bad.

We recently added a new member to our family that constantly has bids for attention and affection all the time. We love him and have grown closer as a couple because of our cute 8 week old kitten Archie.