Find Ways to Love Your In-Laws Even If They Don't Love You

“It’s not me, it’s you. Actually, it’s your mom.” I saw this funny quote the other day and made me think of how the world portrays in-laws. Some people may have a hard time getting along with their mother/father in-law. I have been blessed with the best in-laws and wish everyone who struggle with theirs were as fortunate. Since I have been married, I have come to realize the importance of having a close relationship with my in-laws. Me and my husband both live states away from our parents, therefore, making it hard to see them often. I believe in that quote that says something about distance making the heart grow fonder. I feel as though I appreciate my time with my in-laws more when I see them because they live across the country. However, it is also important for me to continue to grow that relationship with them even though they do live far away. Me and my husband try to call or face time both of our parents every week on Sunday and are involved in the other conversations. I am usually not there for the whole conversation so that my husband can have some time with his parents as well. However, I feel that face timing them is a way that I am slowly continuing to build my relationship with them.

Ashely Mcilwain said, “No one should come between you and your spouse. They should come alongside of you but not between.” This quote goes for parents and family members as well. When we committed to our spouse it was only to them. Sometimes parents may want to be too involved in a newly married couples’ life. Becoming freshly married is very difficult because there is a lot of new changes happening. However, that new couple need to learn how to survive and trust in the other and not rely on others to come in between that. Living far away from our in-laws made getting married and adjusting a little more difficult. But, me and my spouse learned to become self-reliant very quickly. We have grown to trust in the other and only talk to our parents occasionally about important decisions. Because of this, they can help stir us in the right direction. They are not the stirring wheel in our relationship but are the occasional helping hand, which I am thankful for. My in-laws have never come between me and my husband but have always been on the side helping when needed. It is so important to develop a cherished relationship with your in-laws. They really do have advice that could help, they could become a true friend, and a blessing in your life if you let them.

Unity in Power and Strength

I do not know from experience but from observance, parenting is hard. Some day I will have the opportunity to be blessed with children of my own. For now, I am going off what I have read and witnessed throughout my life. I have seen many examples of bad parenting and some of great parenting. What I find difficult about parenting is how many ways there are to do it. Hopefully, you and your partner talk about this before children come. It is important that both partners are on the same page. Richard Miller said, “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children.” When I talked to my mom recently about my grandparents, she had nothing but great things to say. She expressed that her parents never argued in front of their children and always discussed everything together before making any decisions. It is important for children to know that their parents love and support the other.

When parents support the other, they can become one and not two separate people. Elder Eyring talks about how couples and parents can become one through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This is possible by first taking Christ’s name upon us, then to always remember him, and lastly to partake of the sacrament and keep the commandments. Elder Eyring also said that, “A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power.” With a world full of temptations that is constantly trying to tear apart families, we need all the power we can get. Another way to gain power and unity in a family is through family counsel. This is a time to come together and talk about any problems so that they are made more aware. When each member of the family knows what is going on, they will be able to better support, pray for, and help one another. As I have mentioned it is just me and my husband, however, I enjoy sitting down and talking with him about any struggles, trails, and concerns I may have. By taking time to address issues together we can become further unified and have more power in our own little family. Support, unity, and power are all essential in a family unit if we want it to thrive. No spouse, parent, or family is perfect but each attempt to make it so will bring numerous blessings.

Love Your Spouse & Make Your Marriage A Priority

Being faithful to our spouses is not a suggestion but should be a requirement if we want a healthy and happy marriage. Kenneth W. Matheson stated that, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” We should never put ourselves in a situation where we might not be faithful to our spouse. When both couples are committed only to each other it creates a unity and trust. In my extended family I have witnessed many of them who have had unfaithful partners. Their lives became very difficult and stressful because of this. However, my husbands’ parents are perfect examples in our life of what a faithful committed couple looks like. Because of this me and my husband trust in the other and if something were to come up, we would talk about it with the other. Communication is extremely important in marriage so that you both know you are on the same page.

Aside from being faithful and intimate in our conversations, physical intimacy is also essential in marriage. Sean E. Brotherson shared that, “It has been said marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.” Sometimes we may ask ourselves if physical intimacy really is that important. Brotherson goes on to say, “I believe it is important for a variety of God-ordained reasons, but particularly because it is a reminder of the need to give of ourselves in marriage to our spouse.” We need to be aware of our partners needs mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There is a reason God commanded that physical intimacy should be saved until after we are married. It is a special way to really bond and become close with our partner and show them that we love and trust them. Brent A. Barlow shares, “Little things—thank yous, compliments, and I love yous—are important. When these “little” elements are added to a marriage, sexuality becomes more meaningful and an expression of deep love. Without these “extras,” sexual intimacy can become that which is ultimately satisfying to neither the husband nor the wife.” It is the little things that make the difference in every part of a marriage. I know when my husband goes out of his way to thank me, compliment me or say I love you, I feel appreciated and happier. When both partners are content, they are more prepared to face life’s challenges and can enjoy life in general more. May we always stay faithful to our spouse, make physical intimacy a way to strengthen our marriage, and look for the little things in our marriages.

Develop Charity and You Will Find More Joy In Your Marriage

In the scriptures there are many attributes that are used to describe Christ and his character. One of the attributes I wanted to focus on that is essential in any marriage is Charity. In Moroni 7:47 it states, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, shall be well with him.” Other scripture verses describe charity to be the highest, strongest and most joyful love there is. Marvin J. Ashton defined charity as, “accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; [and] having patience with someone who let us down.” Charity should not be optional but something we constantly strive to obtain, especially with our spouses. I doubt that anyone wouldn’t want more acceptance, patience and love in their life.

When I think of charity, the word giving comes to mind. However, it more than simply giving but giving of oneself to bless others. My husband works a lot and is also doing full time school. He has every excuse to come home tired and exhausted. However, there has never been a day that he has not come home happy to see me no matter what happened at work or how long his day was. My husband constantly tries to serve me whether it is making dinner, taking me on a surprise date or anything else to make my day easier, which is a blessing to me. In no way am I a perfect example of charity but I hope to become more charitable. One way I try to be more charitable in my marriage is through baking. I love baking and try to make my husbands favorite desserts often, so they are waiting for him when he gets home from work. It is those little acts of service that make a happier marriage.

It can be overwhelming thinking about all the qualities we lack to be the best partner in our marriage. No union is perfect and that is completely alright. I love what Goddard said from his book called Drawing Heaven into your marriage, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth and abundant homework.” We will constantly be learning and growing in marriage. My hope is that we notice the joy and growth in our journey. May we also try to continually develop a charitable attitude and attribute it into our marriages.

I love this picture because my husband is doing a simple act of helping carry my wedding dress so that I could walk easier. There were a lot of layers of dress but I appreciate him always noticing little was to help me. 

Love Your Spouse Even With all Their Imperfections

Goddard shared from his book called Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs.” It is inevitable that conflicts and arguments are going to occur in our marriages, however, the important concept is how to manage it. Thinking about my own marriage I wish that there were many times that I could have handled situations a little differently. For example, I like the kitchen to be clean and feel overwhelmed when there are what seems like an endless amount of dishes in the sink. Because this bothers me more than my husband, I make time in my busy schedule to get the dishes done for my own sake. Sometimes this is overwhelming because I feel I am always doing the dishes. When I approach my husband about the situation it is not always in a loving way. John M. Gottman said in his book called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or [does the dishes], you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather then criticized or demeaned.” Gottman goes on to say that the extra time we take to approach a situation that is bothering us about our spouse is worth it. I should not talk to my husband in a mean tone questioning why he never finds time to do the dishes but does for other leisure actives. Instead, I should make sure that he knows how much I appreciate him and then express my concern in a more respected and kinder manner.

Another way to manage and handle conflict then simply appreciating our spouse is to also forgive them. It can be hard at times to swallow up our own pride and to forgive another, but it is worth it. James E. Faust shared from a study, that people who are taught to forgive ultimately become, “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed.” Who wouldn’t want less stress, anger, and depression in their marriage? It is crucial to forgive our partner and by doing that you and your partner with benefit. Even though conflicts and trials will arise we should be able to find happiness in our marriages. During the week me and my husband are very busy with work and school, however, we have made it a priority to go on a date night every weekend. We have also recently started to take anywhere from 10-30 mins every day to talk or do an activity together before we get caught up in homework or whatever we have going on that night. The time that we commit to each other has helped us strengthened our marriage more and more. Lynn G. Robbins said, “A happy and successful marriage depends on two good forgivers.” May we all try harder to appreciate our spouses by speaking kinder to them, making it easy to forgive, and by making more quality time for them.

This is a picture of me and my husband on Easter. I honestly can say that I love him  more every day and always try to be the best wife and can be.

Stay Away From Pride

I enjoyed studying and learning more about an attribute that I do not believe anyone would want in their marriage, pride. Ezra Taft Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves…selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.” I do think that anyone loves to admit their faults, however, we are all quick to judge others imperfections at times. I know there have been many occasions that I have been prideful in my own marriage and with God. A quality of being prideful is to not receive counsel or correction easily. An example of this that I have noticed throughout my college experience is in my art classes. I am usually very good at a variety of different art forms, so I decided to take an oil painting class. I have only painted a few times in my life, mostly in kindergarten and it was finger painting. Being in my oil painting class, everything was very foreign to me and I quickly noticed how much better everyone else was. It was hard to accept the critiques, corrections, and counsel from my teacher because I had become prideful. I did not want to accept defeat knowing I could not get better as a painter alone. I needed my teacher to get better just as we need our Savior to teach us and save us, we can not do it alone.

Going back to pride in our marriages, both partners need to be aware of this horrible trait that Satan wants us to have. In marriage, it is inevitable that that arguments are going to happen. However, it is up to us whether we make those talks learning experiences that benefit or diminish our marriages. Marleen S. Williams said, “Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repentance.” Honestly, when I read this quote I felt called out as if Williams was talking specifically to me. I feel I can be quick to irritation with my partner often and it is defiantly something I will continue to work on. Williams continues to say that irritation comes from a lack of faith and humility. I am constantly trying to become more humble in my marriage by serving my spouse in little ways whether I am doing the dishes, planning a date, or making his favorite desserts. Small acts do make a significant difference in a marriage. Every good thing we do will weigh out the bad and there will be less room for pride to intervene. John M. Gottman said, “Love is not a happy accident, it is a choice.” We need to choose everyday to love our spouses by not becoming prideful but humble. When we become more like Christ, we will be more blessed and happier in our marriage.

Take Advantage of The Small Moments

Being emotionally connected with our spouse is extremely important. I enjoyed reading in chapter 6 of John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, when he explained many examples of how we can turn towards our partner and not away from them. He describes how we have “bids” in our relationship for attention, affection, etc. Some examples of this can be asking for help with something such as groceries, laundry, etc. How we respond to these “bids” determine if we are growing closer to our partner or away from them. An example of this in my own marriage happened not too long ago. I remember being extremely overwhelmed with getting all my homework done before I was leaving on vacation for a week. I briefly mentioned how our apartment looked messy and how it was another thing I needed to do before I left. My husband could have easily ignored what I had said and continued doing whatever he was doing. However, he immediately started cleaning up and told me to continue working on as much homework as I could get done. Later that night he noticed how exhausted I was from packing, doing homework, and other various things so he told me to take a break so that we could go get ice cream. My husband is very good at responding positively to the bids that I present. Because of this I have also learned how to be more grateful for those small moments that happen in our marriage.

In Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 it says "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." Little do we realize at the time, but the little things do matter. Helping your spouse with the chores, giving a compliment, doing something they enjoy, and saying I love you are all small tasks that if done often will create a successful, healthy and happy marriage. Gottman said, “There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future.” If we have a good connection with our spouse and trust them, it will help when we are faced with difficult stresses or conflicts that may arise. There are many instances such as our car breaking down on the way to our wedding, not being able to pay certain bills on time, or even unexpected sicknesses that have occurred. If me and my husband had not continually tried to develop good communication, trust, and love in our marriage then those situations would have been a lot more difficult to handle. Our partners are important and the way we react to them is as well. We need to continually be strengthening our marriages because it is essential. Make the small moments count and always make sure your partner knows you love in them in the good times and bad.

We recently added a new member to our family that constantly has bids for attention and affection all the time. We love him and have grown closer as a couple because of our cute 8 week old kitten Archie.

Get to Know & Cherish your Partner

Marriage is beautiful and like any plant needs a lot of nurturing. John M. Gottman talks about how there is strength in knowledge in his book call, The Seven principles for Making Marriage work. How well do we know our partners? Do we know the basics of their lives or the specifics? We all want a partner that knows what we like and what we don’t, what makes us happy or stressed and the list goes on. Gottman describes the importance of knowing about each other’s lives, which he described as a love map. He said, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” Marriage is difficult and unexpected struggles arise. However, how much easier would it be to work as a team if both couples knew how to best help the other in times of stress. Marriage should not always be stressful but enjoyable as well. It is our jobs to make it that way by first prioritizing our time with our partner. Me and my husband make date night every Friday night a must. Unless there is an emergency everything else gets pushed to the next day. We take turns planning the dates and we make getting to know the other fun. Some date night ideas are camping, going for a walk, going out for dinner, or a hike. Anything is better then nothing when it comes to dating your part

Along with getting to know each other, Gottman also talks about nurturing your fondness and admiration with your spouse. He said, “Having a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit.” Our partners are not perfect, and neither are we. If for some reason we have negative views of our partner, then we need to humble ourselves and talk to them about it. For me I try to be humble by constantly recognizing my faults and constantly trying to become better. Our partners should be the only one that we tell our concerns about our marriages and relationship to. How would we ever be able to build happy marriages if we always speak poorly about the other and our marriage to everyone else? I am far from having a perfect marriage, but I try everyday to have a positive view of my husband and our marriage. If something is wrong, we talk about it and fix it. Marrion G. Romney one said, “Sometimes the twists and turns of life are the straight and narrow path.” We need to go through bitter experiences like Adam and Eve so that we don’t take for granted the sweet ones. We need to cherish our spouses and always let them know that we love and appreciate them.

I thought I would add a few date pictures. It was hard to chose from because we have gone on so many date. I absolutely look forward to date night every week and you should too. 

Where is our focus on worldly or spiritual things?

While I was reading the scriptures this week a verse made me think about what is truly important in life. Matthew 23:17 says, “Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold?” When I think of this scripture “the gold” symbolizes worldly things and “the temple” spiritual ones.  Are we focusing more on gold or the temple, on worldly things that are temporary or spiritual ones that last forever? We are all human, make mistakes, and sometimes lose focus on what is truly important, especially in our marriages. Being imperfect beings is not a burden but a blessing. However, we need to always keep trying to be like Christ and not suffer from the natural man that is inside each of us.

The natural man is someone who focuses on “the gold” as mentioned earlier. If the natural man is always present often in any marriage, the partners will both suffer. A partnership needs love, selflessness, trust, and unity. If one or both partners focus only on worldly things and on themselves then they will never be truly happy. H. Wallace Goddard stated, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person. When we are more Godly, fewer things bother us.” I would think that all of us want to strive for a healthy relationship in our marriages. To achieve that relationship Wallace said that we need to be God-seeking people, therefore, putting off the natural man. Luckily in Mosiah 3:19 it clearly states how we can put away the natural man, which is an enemy to God, and instead be God seeking people. We need to, “become as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, [and] full of love.” Evidently, it would be hard to apply these qualities all at once. However, if we work on one at a time, we are already on the right track to developing better traits and happier marriages.

Thinking about my own marriage, it has been far from easy, but having the gospel in our lives really makes a difference. It can be hard to not focus on the worldly things and to keep an eternal perspective. On the way to our wedding driving cross country, our car broke down. It ended up costing a lot of money and made us focus on worldly problems. We would have rather wanted to be focusing on the covenants we were about to make in the temple to be sealed for all time and Eternity. Goddard also shared, “Everything we suffer was carefully designed by a perfect Father to prepare us for our work on high.” At the time when our car died, not knowing how we were going to make it to our own wedding, we did not see a learning experience. However, Heavenly Father taught us many life lessons and if we were not humble, God-seeking people we would have missed them. We trusted each other and most importantly we trusted God. He helped us turn a stressful situation into a learning one that helped us grow closer as a couple.

Thought I would include a picture of me and my handsome husband on our beautiful wedding day in San Diego, CA.

Always give 100%

As the world is changing its views on marriage it is important to still be a defender of it. Most importantly we need to live and strive for an eternal marriage and not settle for a contractual one. Elder Bruce C. Hafen explained the difference between the two very clearly. Those who are in a contractual marriage stay in if for as long as they want. They have the option to walk away at any time when difficulties arise. Having a way out and possibly divorcing the other is the best way in their minds to find happiness. That does not seem like the way God intended marriage to be. Marriage is not a workout routine where if it gets to difficult because we are out of shape, pushed ourselves to hard, or we have had enough, that we can give up and end it. Marriage is supposed to be hard, however, a couple will never grow to love, trust and support the other if they do not have an eternal perspective. How could they, if their marriage has multiple “expiration dates” in mind.

On the other hand, partners in a covenant marriage do whatever they can to work through trials and challenges no matter how difficult. They know that they have made a sacred promise to God and they are going to keep that promise. Covenant keeping partners are in no way perfect, however, they are not about to run away when life gets tough. They are going to try to learn and grow from hard experiences together with God. Elder Hafen also said, “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” Everyone deserves a partner that will constantly try to give them 100 percent and vice versa.Giving 100% means not being selfish, always thinking of your partners needs as well, and constantly trying to improve and nurture the relationship. Life is hard, but it can be more enjoyable knowing you have a partner to go through it with. One of our jobs to do on this earth is to find joy and happiness. Unfortunately, like Adam and Eve they did not know true joy without knowing about misery.

Adam and Eve were the first people on this earth and because of them we are also here. Men and woman are both unique and irreplaceable. Elder Bednar said, “The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman competes and perfects the man as they learn from, strengthen, and bless each other.” If a couple like Elder Bednar mentioned, learned from, strengthen, and blessed the other then they would be able to have a more successful companionship. We need each other and cannot worry about worldly things but eternal ones.

Defenders of Marriage

Since the time of Adam and Eve, marriage has always been important. Fast forward to our time, anyone could say that marriage doe not hold the same value to some as it once did. In recent years there have been many debates on same-sex marriage and if it should be legalized or not. Some say that legalizing same-sex marriage is a way to redefine it. President Russell M. Nelson said, “Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators…Marriage was created by God!” As we know, all good things come from  a loving God. Unfortunately, Satan will try his hardest to make convenient detours to achieve a happy life. What he does not tell you are the blessings or learning experiences you may miss out on. Satan distorts anything and everything in a way to deceive us to not do what is right.

We need to be defenders of marriage; it is not an optional choice. Heavenly Father loves all his children and wants us all to be happy. Unfortunately, every one of us struggles with different trials whether it be depression, self-worth, addiction, same-sex attraction, etc. Luckily for us we also have a Savior who loves us and knows exactly how to help because he has been through it all and more through the Atonement. We will never have a trial too difficult to handle. I do not know why some people struggle more then others. However, I do know that every trial that comes our way can be turned into a learning opportunity and life changing experience if we let it. 

Those that are for same-sex marriage might not understand why it is such a big deal to legalize something that they think could make them happy. However, God knows best, and he knows what will bring us the greatest joys in life. President Nelson explained it perfectly when he said, “There is great power in a strong partnership.” He was referring to a husband and wife partnership. God made man and woman carefully and with divine design. Therefore, marriage between a man and a woman is extremely important because it is blessed and created by God to be that way. If we have any doubts about marriage, God is willing and open to let us know why it is the way it is. Our Heavenly Father does the things he does so that we can achieve the greatest happiness on this earth and the life hereafter. If that is not a sign of true love for you children and creations, then I don’t know what is.

Divorce is Not Always the Answer

How and why has divorce become so common? In my own family two of my mom’s siblings and her dad got a divorce all in the same year. That was three divorces in the span of two years, which is a lot for one family. Divorce is nothing like it was even 50 years ago because so many things have changed. Some of those changes are more people are cohabiting and because of that individuals are marrying at later ages. Marriage does not have the importance it once did which is heartbreaking to think about. I would never trade my marriage for anything on the good or bad days.

Church leaders always have inspiring thoughts and insights on the hardest of topics. I loved reading what they had to say to bring the light of Christ in the most difficult of situations. I am going to focus on marriage for a moment and reiterate what the brethren have said. We learn that marriage is ordained of God and that it is the most sacred covenant or promise we can make on this earth. The reason why members of the LDS church respect marriage more then others is because we have an eternal perspective. We are in it for the long haul and not only for the good times but the bad as well. Struggles, trials, hardships are not always detrimental in a marriage. However, some people use them as a way out. If we learn from the trials that come our way they can strengthen our marriage. Always look for learning experiences and ways to better yourself and your marriage. Elder Oaks said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” On our way to perfection there are going to be detours and they may not always be pretty. The one thing that is important to remember is always have the same goal in mind.

President Kimball has talked about how there is evil all around us that is trying to tear families apart. It is evident that if we let it into our lives Satan will do nothing but destroy us. Kimball says that only those who believe in the family are those who can protect it. How can we believe in the family if our go to option is divorce? I love what Elder Oaks counseled when he said, “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” Marriage is hard and Satan wants us to focus on the difficulties of marriage. We should not focus on each partner giving 50/50 effort but instead both partners giving the full 100%. A successful, happy marriage is not something we have without effort but it is something we need to constantly be working on. Marriage is a sacred act and we need to be protecting it because it is a gift from God.