Get to Know & Cherish your Partner

Marriage is beautiful and like any plant needs a lot of nurturing. John M. Gottman talks about how there is strength in knowledge in his book call, The Seven principles for Making Marriage work. How well do we know our partners? Do we know the basics of their lives or the specifics? We all want a partner that knows what we like and what we don’t, what makes us happy or stressed and the list goes on. Gottman describes the importance of knowing about each other’s lives, which he described as a love map. He said, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” Marriage is difficult and unexpected struggles arise. However, how much easier would it be to work as a team if both couples knew how to best help the other in times of stress. Marriage should not always be stressful but enjoyable as well. It is our jobs to make it that way by first prioritizing our time with our partner. Me and my husband make date night every Friday night a must. Unless there is an emergency everything else gets pushed to the next day. We take turns planning the dates and we make getting to know the other fun. Some date night ideas are camping, going for a walk, going out for dinner, or a hike. Anything is better then nothing when it comes to dating your part

Along with getting to know each other, Gottman also talks about nurturing your fondness and admiration with your spouse. He said, “Having a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit.” Our partners are not perfect, and neither are we. If for some reason we have negative views of our partner, then we need to humble ourselves and talk to them about it. For me I try to be humble by constantly recognizing my faults and constantly trying to become better. Our partners should be the only one that we tell our concerns about our marriages and relationship to. How would we ever be able to build happy marriages if we always speak poorly about the other and our marriage to everyone else? I am far from having a perfect marriage, but I try everyday to have a positive view of my husband and our marriage. If something is wrong, we talk about it and fix it. Marrion G. Romney one said, “Sometimes the twists and turns of life are the straight and narrow path.” We need to go through bitter experiences like Adam and Eve so that we don’t take for granted the sweet ones. We need to cherish our spouses and always let them know that we love and appreciate them.

I thought I would add a few date pictures. It was hard to chose from because we have gone on so many date. I absolutely look forward to date night every week and you should too. 

Where is our focus on worldly or spiritual things?

While I was reading the scriptures this week a verse made me think about what is truly important in life. Matthew 23:17 says, “Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold?” When I think of this scripture “the gold” symbolizes worldly things and “the temple” spiritual ones.  Are we focusing more on gold or the temple, on worldly things that are temporary or spiritual ones that last forever? We are all human, make mistakes, and sometimes lose focus on what is truly important, especially in our marriages. Being imperfect beings is not a burden but a blessing. However, we need to always keep trying to be like Christ and not suffer from the natural man that is inside each of us.

The natural man is someone who focuses on “the gold” as mentioned earlier. If the natural man is always present often in any marriage, the partners will both suffer. A partnership needs love, selflessness, trust, and unity. If one or both partners focus only on worldly things and on themselves then they will never be truly happy. H. Wallace Goddard stated, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person. When we are more Godly, fewer things bother us.” I would think that all of us want to strive for a healthy relationship in our marriages. To achieve that relationship Wallace said that we need to be God-seeking people, therefore, putting off the natural man. Luckily in Mosiah 3:19 it clearly states how we can put away the natural man, which is an enemy to God, and instead be God seeking people. We need to, “become as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, [and] full of love.” Evidently, it would be hard to apply these qualities all at once. However, if we work on one at a time, we are already on the right track to developing better traits and happier marriages.

Thinking about my own marriage, it has been far from easy, but having the gospel in our lives really makes a difference. It can be hard to not focus on the worldly things and to keep an eternal perspective. On the way to our wedding driving cross country, our car broke down. It ended up costing a lot of money and made us focus on worldly problems. We would have rather wanted to be focusing on the covenants we were about to make in the temple to be sealed for all time and Eternity. Goddard also shared, “Everything we suffer was carefully designed by a perfect Father to prepare us for our work on high.” At the time when our car died, not knowing how we were going to make it to our own wedding, we did not see a learning experience. However, Heavenly Father taught us many life lessons and if we were not humble, God-seeking people we would have missed them. We trusted each other and most importantly we trusted God. He helped us turn a stressful situation into a learning one that helped us grow closer as a couple.

Thought I would include a picture of me and my handsome husband on our beautiful wedding day in San Diego, CA.

Always give 100%

As the world is changing its views on marriage it is important to still be a defender of it. Most importantly we need to live and strive for an eternal marriage and not settle for a contractual one. Elder Bruce C. Hafen explained the difference between the two very clearly. Those who are in a contractual marriage stay in if for as long as they want. They have the option to walk away at any time when difficulties arise. Having a way out and possibly divorcing the other is the best way in their minds to find happiness. That does not seem like the way God intended marriage to be. Marriage is not a workout routine where if it gets to difficult because we are out of shape, pushed ourselves to hard, or we have had enough, that we can give up and end it. Marriage is supposed to be hard, however, a couple will never grow to love, trust and support the other if they do not have an eternal perspective. How could they, if their marriage has multiple “expiration dates” in mind.

On the other hand, partners in a covenant marriage do whatever they can to work through trials and challenges no matter how difficult. They know that they have made a sacred promise to God and they are going to keep that promise. Covenant keeping partners are in no way perfect, however, they are not about to run away when life gets tough. They are going to try to learn and grow from hard experiences together with God. Elder Hafen also said, “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” Everyone deserves a partner that will constantly try to give them 100 percent and vice versa.Giving 100% means not being selfish, always thinking of your partners needs as well, and constantly trying to improve and nurture the relationship. Life is hard, but it can be more enjoyable knowing you have a partner to go through it with. One of our jobs to do on this earth is to find joy and happiness. Unfortunately, like Adam and Eve they did not know true joy without knowing about misery.

Adam and Eve were the first people on this earth and because of them we are also here. Men and woman are both unique and irreplaceable. Elder Bednar said, “The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman competes and perfects the man as they learn from, strengthen, and bless each other.” If a couple like Elder Bednar mentioned, learned from, strengthen, and blessed the other then they would be able to have a more successful companionship. We need each other and cannot worry about worldly things but eternal ones.

Defenders of Marriage

Since the time of Adam and Eve, marriage has always been important. Fast forward to our time, anyone could say that marriage doe not hold the same value to some as it once did. In recent years there have been many debates on same-sex marriage and if it should be legalized or not. Some say that legalizing same-sex marriage is a way to redefine it. President Russell M. Nelson said, “Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators…Marriage was created by God!” As we know, all good things come from  a loving God. Unfortunately, Satan will try his hardest to make convenient detours to achieve a happy life. What he does not tell you are the blessings or learning experiences you may miss out on. Satan distorts anything and everything in a way to deceive us to not do what is right.

We need to be defenders of marriage; it is not an optional choice. Heavenly Father loves all his children and wants us all to be happy. Unfortunately, every one of us struggles with different trials whether it be depression, self-worth, addiction, same-sex attraction, etc. Luckily for us we also have a Savior who loves us and knows exactly how to help because he has been through it all and more through the Atonement. We will never have a trial too difficult to handle. I do not know why some people struggle more then others. However, I do know that every trial that comes our way can be turned into a learning opportunity and life changing experience if we let it. 

Those that are for same-sex marriage might not understand why it is such a big deal to legalize something that they think could make them happy. However, God knows best, and he knows what will bring us the greatest joys in life. President Nelson explained it perfectly when he said, “There is great power in a strong partnership.” He was referring to a husband and wife partnership. God made man and woman carefully and with divine design. Therefore, marriage between a man and a woman is extremely important because it is blessed and created by God to be that way. If we have any doubts about marriage, God is willing and open to let us know why it is the way it is. Our Heavenly Father does the things he does so that we can achieve the greatest happiness on this earth and the life hereafter. If that is not a sign of true love for you children and creations, then I don’t know what is.

Divorce is Not Always the Answer

How and why has divorce become so common? In my own family two of my mom’s siblings and her dad got a divorce all in the same year. That was three divorces in the span of two years, which is a lot for one family. Divorce is nothing like it was even 50 years ago because so many things have changed. Some of those changes are more people are cohabiting and because of that individuals are marrying at later ages. Marriage does not have the importance it once did which is heartbreaking to think about. I would never trade my marriage for anything on the good or bad days.

Church leaders always have inspiring thoughts and insights on the hardest of topics. I loved reading what they had to say to bring the light of Christ in the most difficult of situations. I am going to focus on marriage for a moment and reiterate what the brethren have said. We learn that marriage is ordained of God and that it is the most sacred covenant or promise we can make on this earth. The reason why members of the LDS church respect marriage more then others is because we have an eternal perspective. We are in it for the long haul and not only for the good times but the bad as well. Struggles, trials, hardships are not always detrimental in a marriage. However, some people use them as a way out. If we learn from the trials that come our way they can strengthen our marriage. Always look for learning experiences and ways to better yourself and your marriage. Elder Oaks said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” On our way to perfection there are going to be detours and they may not always be pretty. The one thing that is important to remember is always have the same goal in mind.

President Kimball has talked about how there is evil all around us that is trying to tear families apart. It is evident that if we let it into our lives Satan will do nothing but destroy us. Kimball says that only those who believe in the family are those who can protect it. How can we believe in the family if our go to option is divorce? I love what Elder Oaks counseled when he said, “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” Marriage is hard and Satan wants us to focus on the difficulties of marriage. We should not focus on each partner giving 50/50 effort but instead both partners giving the full 100%. A successful, happy marriage is not something we have without effort but it is something we need to constantly be working on. Marriage is a sacred act and we need to be protecting it because it is a gift from God.