Find Ways to Love Your In-Laws Even If They Don't Love You

“It’s not me, it’s you. Actually, it’s your mom.” I saw this funny quote the other day and made me think of how the world portrays in-laws. Some people may have a hard time getting along with their mother/father in-law. I have been blessed with the best in-laws and wish everyone who struggle with theirs were as fortunate. Since I have been married, I have come to realize the importance of having a close relationship with my in-laws. Me and my husband both live states away from our parents, therefore, making it hard to see them often. I believe in that quote that says something about distance making the heart grow fonder. I feel as though I appreciate my time with my in-laws more when I see them because they live across the country. However, it is also important for me to continue to grow that relationship with them even though they do live far away. Me and my husband try to call or face time both of our parents every week on Sunday and are involved in the other conversations. I am usually not there for the whole conversation so that my husband can have some time with his parents as well. However, I feel that face timing them is a way that I am slowly continuing to build my relationship with them.

Ashely Mcilwain said, “No one should come between you and your spouse. They should come alongside of you but not between.” This quote goes for parents and family members as well. When we committed to our spouse it was only to them. Sometimes parents may want to be too involved in a newly married couples’ life. Becoming freshly married is very difficult because there is a lot of new changes happening. However, that new couple need to learn how to survive and trust in the other and not rely on others to come in between that. Living far away from our in-laws made getting married and adjusting a little more difficult. But, me and my spouse learned to become self-reliant very quickly. We have grown to trust in the other and only talk to our parents occasionally about important decisions. Because of this, they can help stir us in the right direction. They are not the stirring wheel in our relationship but are the occasional helping hand, which I am thankful for. My in-laws have never come between me and my husband but have always been on the side helping when needed. It is so important to develop a cherished relationship with your in-laws. They really do have advice that could help, they could become a true friend, and a blessing in your life if you let them.

Unity in Power and Strength

I do not know from experience but from observance, parenting is hard. Some day I will have the opportunity to be blessed with children of my own. For now, I am going off what I have read and witnessed throughout my life. I have seen many examples of bad parenting and some of great parenting. What I find difficult about parenting is how many ways there are to do it. Hopefully, you and your partner talk about this before children come. It is important that both partners are on the same page. Richard Miller said, “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children.” When I talked to my mom recently about my grandparents, she had nothing but great things to say. She expressed that her parents never argued in front of their children and always discussed everything together before making any decisions. It is important for children to know that their parents love and support the other.

When parents support the other, they can become one and not two separate people. Elder Eyring talks about how couples and parents can become one through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This is possible by first taking Christ’s name upon us, then to always remember him, and lastly to partake of the sacrament and keep the commandments. Elder Eyring also said that, “A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power.” With a world full of temptations that is constantly trying to tear apart families, we need all the power we can get. Another way to gain power and unity in a family is through family counsel. This is a time to come together and talk about any problems so that they are made more aware. When each member of the family knows what is going on, they will be able to better support, pray for, and help one another. As I have mentioned it is just me and my husband, however, I enjoy sitting down and talking with him about any struggles, trails, and concerns I may have. By taking time to address issues together we can become further unified and have more power in our own little family. Support, unity, and power are all essential in a family unit if we want it to thrive. No spouse, parent, or family is perfect but each attempt to make it so will bring numerous blessings.

Love Your Spouse & Make Your Marriage A Priority

Being faithful to our spouses is not a suggestion but should be a requirement if we want a healthy and happy marriage. Kenneth W. Matheson stated that, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” We should never put ourselves in a situation where we might not be faithful to our spouse. When both couples are committed only to each other it creates a unity and trust. In my extended family I have witnessed many of them who have had unfaithful partners. Their lives became very difficult and stressful because of this. However, my husbands’ parents are perfect examples in our life of what a faithful committed couple looks like. Because of this me and my husband trust in the other and if something were to come up, we would talk about it with the other. Communication is extremely important in marriage so that you both know you are on the same page.

Aside from being faithful and intimate in our conversations, physical intimacy is also essential in marriage. Sean E. Brotherson shared that, “It has been said marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.” Sometimes we may ask ourselves if physical intimacy really is that important. Brotherson goes on to say, “I believe it is important for a variety of God-ordained reasons, but particularly because it is a reminder of the need to give of ourselves in marriage to our spouse.” We need to be aware of our partners needs mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There is a reason God commanded that physical intimacy should be saved until after we are married. It is a special way to really bond and become close with our partner and show them that we love and trust them. Brent A. Barlow shares, “Little things—thank yous, compliments, and I love yous—are important. When these “little” elements are added to a marriage, sexuality becomes more meaningful and an expression of deep love. Without these “extras,” sexual intimacy can become that which is ultimately satisfying to neither the husband nor the wife.” It is the little things that make the difference in every part of a marriage. I know when my husband goes out of his way to thank me, compliment me or say I love you, I feel appreciated and happier. When both partners are content, they are more prepared to face life’s challenges and can enjoy life in general more. May we always stay faithful to our spouse, make physical intimacy a way to strengthen our marriage, and look for the little things in our marriages.

Develop Charity and You Will Find More Joy In Your Marriage

In the scriptures there are many attributes that are used to describe Christ and his character. One of the attributes I wanted to focus on that is essential in any marriage is Charity. In Moroni 7:47 it states, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, shall be well with him.” Other scripture verses describe charity to be the highest, strongest and most joyful love there is. Marvin J. Ashton defined charity as, “accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; [and] having patience with someone who let us down.” Charity should not be optional but something we constantly strive to obtain, especially with our spouses. I doubt that anyone wouldn’t want more acceptance, patience and love in their life.

When I think of charity, the word giving comes to mind. However, it more than simply giving but giving of oneself to bless others. My husband works a lot and is also doing full time school. He has every excuse to come home tired and exhausted. However, there has never been a day that he has not come home happy to see me no matter what happened at work or how long his day was. My husband constantly tries to serve me whether it is making dinner, taking me on a surprise date or anything else to make my day easier, which is a blessing to me. In no way am I a perfect example of charity but I hope to become more charitable. One way I try to be more charitable in my marriage is through baking. I love baking and try to make my husbands favorite desserts often, so they are waiting for him when he gets home from work. It is those little acts of service that make a happier marriage.

It can be overwhelming thinking about all the qualities we lack to be the best partner in our marriage. No union is perfect and that is completely alright. I love what Goddard said from his book called Drawing Heaven into your marriage, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth and abundant homework.” We will constantly be learning and growing in marriage. My hope is that we notice the joy and growth in our journey. May we also try to continually develop a charitable attitude and attribute it into our marriages.

I love this picture because my husband is doing a simple act of helping carry my wedding dress so that I could walk easier. There were a lot of layers of dress but I appreciate him always noticing little was to help me. 

Love Your Spouse Even With all Their Imperfections

Goddard shared from his book called Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs.” It is inevitable that conflicts and arguments are going to occur in our marriages, however, the important concept is how to manage it. Thinking about my own marriage I wish that there were many times that I could have handled situations a little differently. For example, I like the kitchen to be clean and feel overwhelmed when there are what seems like an endless amount of dishes in the sink. Because this bothers me more than my husband, I make time in my busy schedule to get the dishes done for my own sake. Sometimes this is overwhelming because I feel I am always doing the dishes. When I approach my husband about the situation it is not always in a loving way. John M. Gottman said in his book called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or [does the dishes], you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather then criticized or demeaned.” Gottman goes on to say that the extra time we take to approach a situation that is bothering us about our spouse is worth it. I should not talk to my husband in a mean tone questioning why he never finds time to do the dishes but does for other leisure actives. Instead, I should make sure that he knows how much I appreciate him and then express my concern in a more respected and kinder manner.

Another way to manage and handle conflict then simply appreciating our spouse is to also forgive them. It can be hard at times to swallow up our own pride and to forgive another, but it is worth it. James E. Faust shared from a study, that people who are taught to forgive ultimately become, “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed.” Who wouldn’t want less stress, anger, and depression in their marriage? It is crucial to forgive our partner and by doing that you and your partner with benefit. Even though conflicts and trials will arise we should be able to find happiness in our marriages. During the week me and my husband are very busy with work and school, however, we have made it a priority to go on a date night every weekend. We have also recently started to take anywhere from 10-30 mins every day to talk or do an activity together before we get caught up in homework or whatever we have going on that night. The time that we commit to each other has helped us strengthened our marriage more and more. Lynn G. Robbins said, “A happy and successful marriage depends on two good forgivers.” May we all try harder to appreciate our spouses by speaking kinder to them, making it easy to forgive, and by making more quality time for them.

This is a picture of me and my husband on Easter. I honestly can say that I love him  more every day and always try to be the best wife and can be.

Stay Away From Pride

I enjoyed studying and learning more about an attribute that I do not believe anyone would want in their marriage, pride. Ezra Taft Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves…selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.” I do think that anyone loves to admit their faults, however, we are all quick to judge others imperfections at times. I know there have been many occasions that I have been prideful in my own marriage and with God. A quality of being prideful is to not receive counsel or correction easily. An example of this that I have noticed throughout my college experience is in my art classes. I am usually very good at a variety of different art forms, so I decided to take an oil painting class. I have only painted a few times in my life, mostly in kindergarten and it was finger painting. Being in my oil painting class, everything was very foreign to me and I quickly noticed how much better everyone else was. It was hard to accept the critiques, corrections, and counsel from my teacher because I had become prideful. I did not want to accept defeat knowing I could not get better as a painter alone. I needed my teacher to get better just as we need our Savior to teach us and save us, we can not do it alone.

Going back to pride in our marriages, both partners need to be aware of this horrible trait that Satan wants us to have. In marriage, it is inevitable that that arguments are going to happen. However, it is up to us whether we make those talks learning experiences that benefit or diminish our marriages. Marleen S. Williams said, “Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repentance.” Honestly, when I read this quote I felt called out as if Williams was talking specifically to me. I feel I can be quick to irritation with my partner often and it is defiantly something I will continue to work on. Williams continues to say that irritation comes from a lack of faith and humility. I am constantly trying to become more humble in my marriage by serving my spouse in little ways whether I am doing the dishes, planning a date, or making his favorite desserts. Small acts do make a significant difference in a marriage. Every good thing we do will weigh out the bad and there will be less room for pride to intervene. John M. Gottman said, “Love is not a happy accident, it is a choice.” We need to choose everyday to love our spouses by not becoming prideful but humble. When we become more like Christ, we will be more blessed and happier in our marriage.

Take Advantage of The Small Moments

Being emotionally connected with our spouse is extremely important. I enjoyed reading in chapter 6 of John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, when he explained many examples of how we can turn towards our partner and not away from them. He describes how we have “bids” in our relationship for attention, affection, etc. Some examples of this can be asking for help with something such as groceries, laundry, etc. How we respond to these “bids” determine if we are growing closer to our partner or away from them. An example of this in my own marriage happened not too long ago. I remember being extremely overwhelmed with getting all my homework done before I was leaving on vacation for a week. I briefly mentioned how our apartment looked messy and how it was another thing I needed to do before I left. My husband could have easily ignored what I had said and continued doing whatever he was doing. However, he immediately started cleaning up and told me to continue working on as much homework as I could get done. Later that night he noticed how exhausted I was from packing, doing homework, and other various things so he told me to take a break so that we could go get ice cream. My husband is very good at responding positively to the bids that I present. Because of this I have also learned how to be more grateful for those small moments that happen in our marriage.

In Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 it says "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." Little do we realize at the time, but the little things do matter. Helping your spouse with the chores, giving a compliment, doing something they enjoy, and saying I love you are all small tasks that if done often will create a successful, healthy and happy marriage. Gottman said, “There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future.” If we have a good connection with our spouse and trust them, it will help when we are faced with difficult stresses or conflicts that may arise. There are many instances such as our car breaking down on the way to our wedding, not being able to pay certain bills on time, or even unexpected sicknesses that have occurred. If me and my husband had not continually tried to develop good communication, trust, and love in our marriage then those situations would have been a lot more difficult to handle. Our partners are important and the way we react to them is as well. We need to continually be strengthening our marriages because it is essential. Make the small moments count and always make sure your partner knows you love in them in the good times and bad.

We recently added a new member to our family that constantly has bids for attention and affection all the time. We love him and have grown closer as a couple because of our cute 8 week old kitten Archie.